Parchment from the Past

It had been torn out of a 3X5 notebook.

The left side still raw and ragged.

I hadn't forgotten about this little piece of paper- but finding it on my shelf was exactly what I needed.

Leopard print for Manny and Lynn,

Straw to remember where you've been,

Small glass vase to hold it all,

Three sunflowers welcome the Fall.

One silly boy, his heart now lost,

Will hold to this girl, no matter the cost.

Happy Monday.

Some say it is too much to ask for a fairy tale. 

But I don't.

I think everyone deserves that much.

Hopeless? 

Perhaps.

Determined.

Defiantly. 

Love is:

I dream about love. In my head I had an image of what love should be, and to be honest I thought I had it all figured out.

The kids will be outside running around on a September evening much like this one. The kitchen window will be open and the laughter from outside will fill the home with songs of happiness. I will be inside washing dishes and waiting for the dinner to come out of the oven humming a soft tune that reminds me of my sweetheart. And then out of no where his arms will appear from behind me, wrap me up close and he will kiss my neck ever so softly. I will laugh and then he will run outside to rough up the kids. Before I know it I smell burning food- I had been so caught up in watching my family that I had forgotten about food. And even though I will fill bad about having a crispy dinner- I won't care because I will be surrounded by happiness!

I still have this vision.

I want this- I mean, who doesn't?

But love is more than that.
There will be hard times and rough roads.

Love is about sacrifice.
Heaven is love.
So in my mind in order to have Heaven here on earth we have to sacrifice.

Joseph Smith said that "Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven."

My entire life I have been taught to serve the Lord first and everything else will fall into place. That as long as I give my whole heart to Him, He will take care of it and guide me to do the things which I should do. And in some cases giving up yourself unto the Lord is a sacrifice.

I am sure those are reading this and know that I am preparing to serve an LDS mission assume that I am just talking like this because I am in "missionary-mode" but it is more than that. This is an issue about love. A love that I have for my Heavenly Father and a love that I want to pour down on me and my family for generations to come.

I have applied this lesson about sacrifice and love to the idea of love that I had before. . . and I like it so much more.

It is late. I am exhausted. We have been pacing the hospital hallways for hours now and still haven't heard how the procedure went. I stop, slide down the wall and rest my head on my knees. I can't cry anymore, but instead I just sit there. My sweetheart sits down in front of me and grabs my hands. "Babe, I love you. You are strong, but honey this is in the Lord's hands now," he will know exactly what to say because he always has. Then he will kiss my forehead. "Together, with the Lord we can overcome this trial. Don't worry Honey, we are an Eternal Family Remember," and then he we slide up next to me and I will lie my head against his shoulder.

Now, that is love.

Fridays are Love-days.

So this music video is to a happy love-day and to all you love birds!
Merry Friday!

Okay, so it isn't the most hopelessly romantic video out there, but I like it!

To my Mister.

Sometimes I get distracted when I should be studying for a LARGE test I have tomorrow morning. . .

Oh, the joy of finals week- BUT once it is over I am free!

(well except for packing and moving out)

Sometime I get thinking a little bit on the whimsical side of life.

You know the whole marriage and family part- the unknown part that I can only daydream about.

Well I am thinking about that right now-

And you know what I have decided. I want to be madly, hopelessly, romantically in love.

Yep, and I think I am going to be very capable of that.

But you know what else. . . 

I want to play with my husband

Somedays I will want to play wedding and I will dress up in my wedding dress and we can dance around in our bare feet.

Other days we will play Bed'n'Breakfast and we will wake up late and eat french toast with strawberries in bed because that is the only way to play accurately.

And then I plan on playing explorers where we will travel the world, even if that means climbing a tree in our backyard or sleeping on the roof so that we can watch the stars all night long.

I have contained my hopeless romantic side for quite a while on this here blog,

but I have been bursting at the seams and couldn't hold it in any longer.

Dear future Husband, whoever you are-

I surely hope that you like to play games of pretend, 

because if not I don't see how this is going to work out.

I love you.

Cheers!

because it is late and this doesn't make sense . . .

I do believe though that this little piece of literature has lots of beautiful potential.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Kelsie.

Yes, I am referring to myself in third-person.

Yes, this story is my own, based on my own experiences.

Yes, I am Kelsie.

Sometimes Kelsie didn't sleep, for various reasons of course. Some nights her sleepless nights were brought on because of homework responsibilities, other nights she would stay up during wee hours of the morning because college-life is social. However one February night Kelsie didn't sleep because she didn't want to sleep. She didn't want her night to end. Her eyes were heavy and she knew in just a few hours she would be up to start a new day, but she fought to keep her mind alert.

Moments before everything was simple. Simple and very much perfect. . . .

There are times in my life when the secrets of life are whispered to me. 

Growing up people told me you will just know -- you will just know when it hits you. 

I hated those comments- they always left me questioning how.

But maybe I am beginning to understand.

It feels wonderful. 

She tired to remember every detail so it wouldn't be forgotten --

The conversation, the laughing, the singing, the touch.

She never looked back.

This was right, she could feel in her chest and the grasp of reassurance embraced her. Nothing could take that away from her. She knew what she knew- and nothing could change that.

Nothing but time. . . 

Sleep is starting to set in- Kelsie's defenses are starting to retreat and all efforts to stay awake have been exhaused. As she drifts in and out of cautiousness the memories start to disintegrate into the lost dream world. 

*I have been lacking on documenting my life on camera the last few months. (Photobooth has just been really convenient) I promise to be better starting tomorrow/today on my road trip home! Yep, that is right I am finally going home to see the family. . . And I am bringing a surprise! A wonderful, brilliant, marvelous surprise that all will enjoy - especially me.    

Tomorrow is like waiting for Christmas to come.

Okay I am really going to sleep now.

Cheers,
Miss Dawn

Love drunk and hopeless.

Valentine's Day. Love Day. Hopeless Romantic's Day of Affection and care. . . Yes, today is the day where couple all over the United States are being twitterpated, love drunk and passionate about caring for that one significant other that makes their heart pound like subs at a Awolnation concert.

I never really cared for it before now. . . and I am not one of those love-sick girls who has a boyfriend waiting on her hand and foot (even though that would be nice). I have just come to terms with how beautiful it is to love someone. Everyone.

I even went as far as to dress up in pink and red just to celebrate how much I am loving this love day.

No "Singles Awareness Day" for me. There are too many people who I love and share my life with to be considered alone. . .

I just want to jump on my bed and sing Disney Love songs. . . Oh, wait.  I have already done that today!

Merry Valentine's Day!

This is how my heart misses him.

Sometimes I forget that this is MY blog and it is about MY thoughts 

I find myself wanting to write things that people will enjoy

and maybe not the things that I hold near and dear to my heart.

Maybe I am scared of letting all my readers into my life. . .

But then again, I am a writer - this is what I do best 

plus, I have nothing to hide.

It has been a long:

7,717,200 seconds.

119,520 minutes.

1992 hours.

83 days. 

12 weeks (almost).

2 months and 22 days.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I have never been one to proclaim my love for boy - that just isn't the way I roll. Yes, I write up glorious romantic stories that make hearts flutter and some of my stories might be sappy enough to read over and over again. But never do I just stand and shout, "I am in love!" . . . And why not?

Sometimes I joke around and claim to be a "commitment-phob" but ladies and gentlemen I am the farthest thing from that. I think instead, I commit so fast that it scares me to admit it. . . well, here I am admitting it to the cyber world.

However, I am scared of love. I am scared of making myself vulnerable to heart ache and pain. . . or at least I thought I was.

One summer night when I was eighteen my sister-in-law, Sandi, told me that you will just know when you are in love. 

"What is that suppose to mean?"

I tried finding love. And my freshman year in college I was all but engaged. . . long story short: I wanted to find love, I wanted to find my Mr. Prince Charming and I was doing all I could to make it happen. But  I couldn't do it. I couldn't love him.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Fast forward to this last summer.

On a boat in Lake Powell I sat next to Deven his hand held mine the way he always did.  A blanket of stars covered the night sky. Usually Deven and I could talk for hours and never run out of things to say, but tonight we just sat there and admired the galaxies and worlds above us. 

I heard him swallow.

"Kelsie, you are beautiful. Did you know that?"

"Thank you-" 

"No, Kelsie do you understand that you are the most beautiful girl that I have ever met. But not only that, there is something about you that is just different - a good different."

I smile, he wasn't finished. 

He tightened his hand around mine as he spoke.

"Kelsie, I love you."

I felt magic.

And for a moment I thought I understood the words that Sandi had said, "You will just know."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Today I just want to hear his voice.

I want him to try warming my freezing hands in his.

I want to hear rocks being thrown at my window and find a Happy Wednesday note sitting on my night stand even though it is Friday. 

. . . perhaps today I will get a letter from Mexico.

"My Little Love"

His arms were wrapped tight around her waist, she was giggling.

I can imagine the sound of her laughter as she was tickled by his large leathered hands. Part of her knew that he was teasing but the other part knew he would never let go. He loved her - she knew it, she could feel it.

She grabbed his hands and for a moment he stopped. He looked down into her eyes and she returned the gaze. Everyone who witnessed them together could feel it - he loved her. He loved with everything he had.

This moment was captured inside a black and white photo during a time when women always wore dresses and vehicles were solid metal. This photo was taken when life was simple and the small town farmer was a rich man. A different time than now. But the love is still the same - strong, real and very much alive.

Scratched in blue ink on the bottom of the photo it reads, "My little love"

The words were too rough and to masculine to have been written by the hand of the woman in the photo. Instead it looked as if the pen could barely fit within the large hands of the master who held it. And even though it was written with such intensity, it looked sincere. He did loved her. He still loves her.

The photo is perfect. 

Then she touched it and traced the picture with her aged hands. She couldn't see it anymore, macular had taken her vision. Looking in my direction she asked me what was in this picture. I described it to her and she relaxed into a sense of memory, she smiled and giggled just the way I imagined her doing in the image. I read her what was written. "That is what Fred called me," she said, "I was his little love," then she giggled again.

"I once wrote a story titled 'Fred and Little Red'. I don't know what I did with it and I wish I still had it. I was his 'Little Love' - his 'Little Red,'"she paused, "I miss him."

Grandma has always told me stories of Grandpa Fred. She has always told me about how much she loves him. She taught me everything about being a hopeless romantic. But never did I realize the love that Grandpa had for her.

He cherished her. With everything he loved her. 

There were lots of pictures that we looked at last night, Grandma and I. And each them came with story. But my favorite pictures were the once with Grandma and Grandpa together because he always had her hand and he was always looking at her with eyes that sang in love.

I believe in true love. This true love.

The Hopeless Romantic is back - BEWARE:

If you think that love is overrated then this post is not for you.

If you are one to hate wishful thinking then this post isn't for you either.

This post is sappy and hopelessly romantic in so many ways. . . It is also overly cheesy and I love it. 

He asked me to dance. I said yes. He had a girlfriend, but not for very much longer.
Two years ago this next week was our first date. . . Dec. 14 - Oh how I miss him.

He lived 20 minutes away when I was driving. Mind you, I speed.
But I still got to see him almost every day.
We would meet in the middle.  Our "middle" was about five minutes from my house and 15 from his.
Our meetings were never long- but they were always perfect.

Sometimes he would throw rocks at my window.
And he would bring me bouquets of flowers, freshly picked out of my neighbors' flower gardens.
He was smooth with the forehead kiss.
And always a gentleman.

My best friend. My anchor. My "Dream-boat".


"I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it," Elf.

Sometimes I like to pretend that I am a strong person - I am really good at playing pretend. But today I don't want to be strong. I want to be held close and kissed on the forehead. I want to be lost in the forever-after of my fairy tale, and not stuck in the tower waiting for mister prince charming to return from his voyage.

I am always thinking about him.

His smell.
His walk.
His smirk of a smile.
The way he would wrap his arms around my waist and lift me off the ground when we would hug.
I think about going on drives and getting lost in conversation.
I long for the way my fingers would ache after holding his large hands for so long.
And the prayers that we shared were always so sincere and so spiritual.
He is wonderful. I think about that.

It hasn't always been "smooth sailing". . . fairy tales are hard to come by, and there would be no story if there was no opposition.

I have never been hurt more by a boy.
He has made me cry.
I have made him cry.
And I have tried to tell myself that the pain isn't worth it. . . But it is. It is.

I learned something last year that changed my life, and I don't think I have ever shared it with anyone. . .

I was living with my roommate Tami, who at the time was dating a boy named Jayson (they are now happily sealed and married for eternity).

Jayson lived many hours away - they had a long-distance relationship status. . .at night Tami and I would have pillow talk (pillow talk: the sharing of feelings between two female friends before falling asleep) and to cut to the chase she was love-sick and infatuated. I was happy for her.

One particular Sunday afternoon after church I got a text message from the Beloved Jayson saying something like this:

"I am in Logan and I want to surprise Tami,"

We set up a plan for Jayson to hide in our closet while Tami was upstairs and then when she opened the closet he would be there!

The plan was simple, but golden.

Moments later Jayson walked in and he was quickly stuffed into the closet.

I called Tami downstairs. I had her get something out of the closet (geez, this makes me sound bossy).

Jayson walked out.

Tami screamed.
. . . then she laughed. I also think she started crying or giggling. Next thing I knew she was glued to the kid. Their embrace was not going to be broken.

She loved him. He loved her.  (Good thing too, because now they are married!)

But the thing that stuck out the most that Sunday afternoon was the way she reacted. When she saw the man she had chosen to love for the rest of her life come out of the closet - nothing else mattered but him. He was her everything.

Any righteous man or woman could live happily together.
They could grow to be very much in love and they could have a strong, good family.
But I want more.

I want to laugh.
I want to smile and sing.
I want to long for his touch when he isn't around.
I want him to occupy my every thought.
I want to be smitten.
I want him to love me just as much as I love him.

And one day I will have this . . . because to be honest I feel like I have had it before already.

Owls.

I don't have very good history with birds.

They seem to poop on my head.

. . . or in my eye.

Yep, they don't like me.

But owls are an exception-

at least they are now.

Monday Moments.

This picture is just beautiful and I wanted to share it. 

Monday morning: All regular classes were cancelled. 

So, I went to Institute.

I decided to sit in on my friend Matt's class, that he only has good things to say about.

I had gotten to the institute early, so I picked up the Statesman, sat down on a couch in the study and began reading. The study was busy, as usual, and on the couch next to mine there was a boy studying a financial book and a few girls giggling about something one of them had said. I am always aware of the people around me, this isn't creepy.

I flipped through the Statesman and skimmed the pages, but didn't find anything too appealing, so I started reading the comics. The boy who was reading his book, looked up at me, smiled. I smiled back and went back to reading my paper. I looked up again, this time he said hello. 

We started talking about the paper, then about school and majors. 

Our conversation lasted for five minutes and then Matt came to meet me and take me to class. I told the boy on the couch that I needed to go, he asked for my number, so I gave it to him. Matt watched. The situation was splendidly awkward. And I have laughed about it ever since. 

yep. magical.

picture via here

When I grow up and have a house of my own, 

There will be trees in my yard

(hopefully already climbing ready!)

I want to hang lights in the biggest one like this ^ ^ ^ ^

then during the summer 

my husband (eventually kids) and I will have sleepovers under it

on a ginormous quilt that is pieced together with scraps.

(I hope the fabric scraps DON'T match)

While laying on our ginormous quilt

underneath our magnificent tree

we will laugh 

snuggle 

tickle 

wrestle 

. . . . and then eventually

fall asleep

enclosed by the magic of the moment.

STAY TUNED for the real even- (at least) FIVE years in the making!

My Poor Husband.

The man I marry is going to have to be a gem.

Yep.  He is going to have to put up with me. . . 

He will have to be:

Patient

Easy-going

Optimistic

Responsible

Silly

Cuddly

Enthusiastic 

Creative

Kitchen Friendly

Clean

Generous

Grateful

Romantic

Just to name a few things, not a big deal right-

Basically he is just going to be perfect

ESPECIALLY in my eyes!

Dear Husband,

I know you are out there somewhere being simply amazing!  Don't forget me in all your doings!

Lately I have been kinda crazy- The most common phrase from my mouth is, "My Poor Husband". . . Why you may ask?  Well I nearly burnt down the kitchen house, I have planned out our first anniversary, I sleep with lots and lots of pillows,  I always fall asleep during car rides . . . and the list goes on!  

Hey babe, where ever you are- I love you (:

Simply yours,

Kelsie 

V for Valentine's.

I am somewhat ridiculous.  

February 14 is a holiday for sharing love.

. . . and I was always caught up in the holiday until this year.

Thinking about it I have had a Valentine for the last five years. . .

BUT 

Not this year.

This year I was alone-

and to be honest, it bugged me.

I wish it didn't but it did.

I was kind of having a "poor-picked-on-Kelsie" Day

That is stupid, I know

I woke up Monday morning not knowing how to take this day of love.

A hopeless romantic hopelessly alone

All day long I got messages from people back home asking me what my plans were

I didn't have any- nor would I have any. . .

Everyone responded with shock!  

which made it worse-

FAILURE!

REALIZATION hit.

Why was I acting this way?

I had had a marvelous day so far.

I slept seven hours the previous night

I had gotten up- gotten ready- and looked cute (at least I thought so)

I MADE THE BUS!

and I was on time to class (high five to me!)

Things started looking better

PERSPECTIVE

And then I came home from class 

There was a box on my porch. . . 

IT WAS FOR ME!

a box of flowers

TULIPS none the less!

(I love tulips they are pure flowers of happiness!)

My dearest friend Taylor Sirrine sent them to me.

They were beautiful!

Good friends like Taylor.

That Valentine's Day is for

To show that we care for someone.

To show our love.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic love

BUT

a pure love.

a love that grows with each day

a love that forever blossoms.

Like tulips, love sometimes is buried in the ground

all winter long

Then it blooms and gives happiness to all around

Bringing joy into homes

and feeling the skies with smiles

Happy love day everyone.  

I know it isn't Valentine's Day anymore, 

but why can't every day be a love day?

I'm suppose to be doing my homework. . .

I know it is still summer, who does homework?

I do. . . 

Well at least I'm supposed to-

Today I finished a MARVELOUS book! It is called The Traveler's Gift, and if you haven't read it I highly recommend it.  This book has definitely gone down in my top ten list!

I have read two books this whole summer. . .

Not great, but not too bad either I guess.

What should I read next?  any ideas?

I worked more hours this paycheck then I have ever worked in all my hours at the pool!  Oh how I'm looking forward to payday! (:

I have realized this a lot lately, but I have the greatest friends- Friends who care about me, take care about me, wonder how I'm doing, how I'm feeling.  I have friends that bring me yummy treats at work, and that give me hugs, friends who just want to talk- just to talk!  

I'm a hopeless romantic-  'nuff said.

I have blisters on the backs of both of my ankles I guess you would say. . . from running in Shay's shoes.  And then I got a ginormous one on the bottom of my right foot from running in my old volleyball shoes. . . 

 O I have started running.

I run about five miles or until everything feels better.

Is it bad to literally run away from my problems?

I do enjoy it though. . . Never thought I would say that in all my life.

Shane comes home Wednesday!!!

I move in a week and three days!  

I should find out who my roommates are next week! 

drum roll please. . . 

I'm praying for good ones!

cross your fingers for me!

I only have four more days of work-

I already crave the smell of chlorine.

I hate when the pool closes.

I love teaching swim lessons!  It use to scare me and make me really nervous, but I really do enjoy it!  I especially love when I get little gifts from my students, or when I am just working, or walking around town and I get a "HELLO TEACHER!"  "hey mom that's my teacher!"- I really do love that!

Guess I should try to do my homework again!

The word "homework" makes my heart sink.

Summers are too short.

One more side note. . . Is it weird to anyone else that there are only four more months left in 2010?

Goodbyes.

August this year has been a month of lasts and goodbyes- I honestly haven't enjoyed it one bit.
Most of my friends have already moved away, and I'm left here to work, and to think. . . and thinking causes me anxiety- anxiety causes me to get sick and to breakout.  I'm in a no win situation.
Last night I said goodbye to Deven-
A quick background about Deven:
We met at the Regional Stake Conference Dance June 2009- (he had a girlfriend haha!)

I saw him at the pool with his girlfriend, but didn't realize it was him until after he left.

I didn't talk to him again until November that same year when he added me on Facebook.
Our first date was December 16- he sang with the choir during the Forgotten Carols, I was there with my family watching, then after he picked me up.

I got home around one thirty in the morning- way past curfew, and it was a school night. . .

I think I was on time for curfew maybe once since I went with him - oops! (:

From then on we became the dearest friends.  

Funny small fact:  I thought he had a crush on my friend Chevia!  haha- 

This was before I really knew him so I didn't really care.

I recently just told him and he laughed his guts out!  He thought I was kidding!

Deven and I could be silly- crazy and wild with all the works!  

We could tease each other to no end and get caught up in playing pretend.

BUT we could also be serious together.

Dev and I could have spiritual conversations and tell each other the ramblings of our thoughts.

We prayed together countless times.

. . . . And last night we sad goodbye.

As of right now Deven is driving to the land of far away to go to school.

The land of far away is UVU.

USU is the land of far far away.

UVU is the halfway point between my home and my USU.

I am a bawl-baby, but most people don't know that.

I don't cry in front of people, I won't let myself- and I ESPECIALLY don't cry over boys!

And then last night happened. . . 

I cried in Deven's arms, he cried too, but don't hold that against him.

He made me the most beautiful picture frame with all the pictures he has taken of us.

Deven is an amazing photographer!

The picture frame is beautiful!  It is a wooden heart that he put so much planning and hard work into!!! Did I mention it is beautiful and that I love it?

We prayed with each other last night.

He gave me a hug, a kiss, and then he was gone.

I cried.

I felt like a little girl again crying to my mommy.

I have only cried over two boys- I hate saying goodbye.

I told myself not to fall for Deven because I knew sooner or later I would have to say goodbye.

I believe everyone we meet we meet for a reason.

I believe that the Lord puts people in our lives to help sculpt us into the tools he needs.

I will never forget Deven, or all the things he made me love.

I dried my tears and got ready for bed.

I put my retainer in and I put a face mask on my face to help with the break out.

Looked through the photo album and at the frame one more time.

Then I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning being kissed on the cheek!

I figured I was dreaming- I have vivid dreams.

I wasn't!  

It was Deven!

We had made a bet a long time ago that he would never be 
able to wake me up because I was always up before him.

He told me good morning and that he just had to see me one more time before he left! 

this is the "Awwwe" moment!

He was only here for maybe one minute and then he was gone-

I loved it!

I didn't even care that I had a face mask on and my retainer in-

I was just glad to see him again.