Locked in - a suffocating thought.

It is one thing to be locked out, but to be locked in - now that is a suffocating thought.

The rush for lost time slapped me in the face with panic. I can't be late for class during the first week of school, besides that I live a ten-minute walk from campus and it is the middle of the day. There is no reason for me to be late. . .

I grabbed my backpack, checked the contents and hoped for the best. To be honest I had know clue what I needed for class.

The whole apartment shook as I ran down the stairs. . . I am not calling myself fat - I live in an old building, they shake and make funny noises when anyone moves - trust me.

I ripped my coat out of the closet, slipped my arms into their designated holes and proceeded to the door.

I grabbed the chilled doorknob, twisted it, and pulled it towards me - it didn't move.

"Why would someone deadbolt the door in the middle of the afternoon?" 

I twisted the latch a few times, but it hadn't been locked.

Once again I grabbed the doorknob, twisted it, pulled it towards me and nothing. 

Working at the Salina City Pool for the past few summers I have become a professional door-opener. I proceed to shake the doorknob in an attempt to wiggle the door free from the grasp of its frame. First I shook it softly, then a bit more rough until I found myself breaking out into a sweat and realizing that I wasn't shaking the knob, but more-or-less it was me moving back and forth. . . the door hadn't budged.

But still I wasn't worried. I was going to master this door. After-all it is a piece of aluminum and I am a living, breathing being who is currently on her way to school. SCHOOL. I needed to open this door and fast. 

I decided to take a different approach. Pushing-up against the door, twisting the doorknob and then pulling it open. I can't explain why or how this works, but it does I have done it in the past. And so with all my strength I pushed up against the door until my shoulder was throbbing, twisted the knob which by the way had now become quite warm and the pulled as hard as I could towards me. Nothing.

"I can't get out," yes I yelled this in my apartment and no one responded, "Is anyone home? I need help I can't get out of our house - Hello?" 

No response.

Panic. 

I now know what it feels like to be claustrophobic. 

I was suffocating in my own home.

"I can't get out! HELLO?" 

The house creaked. 

I had to get to class. 

Back to the door.

I placed one foot on the wall, grabbed the hot, sweaty doorknob and pulled. I only attempted this one other time nervous of the outcome if I were to get the door open. . . an image of me falling to the ground as the door breaks free and hits me in the crouch wasn't worth going to class. 

"What are you doing?" my roommate Ashly had been up stairs. 

I wasn't alone!

I wasn't going to die alone!

Yes, the thought of never being able to open the door and dying in the old apartment of mine had crossed my mind. 

"Ashly, I can't open the door. I have class. Help!" 

She laughed at me. 

"You can't open the door? Is it locked?" she laughed again.

These were both very logical questions to ask, but really - I can be kind of spacey sometimes, this is true - but of course I checked if it was locked.

"Help me," I was panicing.

Ashly grabbed the doorknob, twisted it and pulled, she pulled again and then again. Nothing. Ashly went through the whole process that I had previously gone over. The door didn't even budge. 

Welp, I wasn't going to die alone, but we were both going to die. . . We were locked in.

I broke down and started whining. 

"I have a cl-a-s-s, what am I going to do?" I will admit I was beginning to get hysterical.  

We played with the idea of having someone come and push from the outside, we even attempted to called our neighbors, but none of them answered.

"The window," Ashly looked determined, "Grab me a knife and I will pop-out the screen."

I did as I was told. After-all Ashly was my only hope.

"It is kind of a long way down," said Ashly, "are you sure you want to do this?"

"I will be okay," I was being driven by my motivation to get to class.

"Kelsie, there are stairs under this window - where are you going to land?" but even though she was concerned she continued to pull the screen out of the window.

At that very moment a couple who live fairly close to our apartment was walking across the lawn.

"Hey! Up here!" waving my hands back and forth I yelled, "We are stuck inside our apartment. Will you help us? Can you see me?!"

For a moment the two on the ground scanned the building and then spotted us. They both seemed a bit confused, but proceed in our direction.

It didn't take long for them to come billowing into our living room.

The door was open. 

I thanked them over and over. Praised Ashly and ran to class.

Happy Friday my dears.

Oh, and the reason the door wouldn't open was because of a dang Christmas light plug that got stuck in-between the frame and the door. . . That is a sign that it is time to take down the Christmas decorations.

One day my stuff will be published. One day.

School has started, and goodness gracious I am going to be a very busy woman.

"Everything your write needs to be written 

with intention and with purpose."

- Matthew Laplante

With the start of Fall semester I am feeling fear.  Lots and lots of fear.  Especially for my Writing for the Media class.  Now before you form a bias against this class, I love it.  It is going to push me more than any class I have taken in my college career thus far.  Or at least that is the perspective I have at this moment.  

I am intimidated, but intrigued.  I will grow.  I may cry.  I may bleed.  Maybe I will even cry blood.  Gross.  Sorry.  

However, because I am going to dedicate so much of my time to school this semester my blog will suffer.  

On a positive note:
I love my major and I am ready to accept the challenge it takes.

4 school days left, then finals.

I am blogging even though I don't have the time really. . . O well, what is time anyway?

One week of classes and then finals week and I am home free!
I can't wait- I am ready to be done with school for a while.

This next part of my blog will be a bit journal-isk.

This last week has been a bit eye opening for me.  If you are new or haven't picked up on this already I am very much a planner.  I like knowing the who, what, when and wheres.  This past week I was fixing my schedule to get caught up in the four year program for my major!  (yeah me! I finally found a major!)  While I was looking over that I came to the realization that next year at this time I will either be preparing my mission papers or i will be getting close to marriage.  Well, atlas that is how I have always had it planned.  This realization hit me like a kick ball right in the gut.  The shock isn't really overwhelming, but there is defiantly some shock.
I have always wanted to go on a mission, and the desire to actually getting there is stronger now than it has been ever before.  However, I know that my first calling in life is to become a wife and mother. . . taking marriage prep this last semester in institute might not have been the smartest idea.  Now I evaluate every small little potential relationship, and I wish it would stop!  Don't get me wrong I have loved the class, but I blame it (and all my engaged friends) for filling my mind with crazy fantasies (not in a bad way necessarily).  But it has caused me confusion.
My dang planning-self just needs to stop. . .

I am interested to see how my readers, mainly my family, reacts to this post.

On a different note:  I can't wait next semester!  I have been called as Historian in my IWA (Institute Women's Association) Chapter and I am so excited to get started with that.  As soon as I was called I could feel my heart swell with love for the girls in my chapter.  Such a weird but powerful feeling.

Dedicated to my sunburn.

ya know, a lot of the time I write for those who read my blog, but today I could care less if anyone read this post.

I feel like I should be blogging about something deep and profound.  Probably because the only things I have been thinking lately have been deep and profound, but when I try to focus on just one thought I can't.  My mind has been going thousands of miles an hour that I can't hang on to any of it!
I am getting antsy for the semester to be over.  I want summer to come, school to be out, and well I want to move home.  Right before Christmas break last semester I got this same anxious feeling- only it has kicked in a lot sooner this time.
This week, and the next three to come, I plan on stowing away at the library.  It is time for this girl to buckle down and get some work done.  In high school I worked hard- One could classify me as a "teachers-pet" or even a "goody two-shoes" and to be honest I was okay with that.  College has been a whole different story.  I feel like all I do is mess around- probably because that is all I do. . . I am getting by with dissent grades, but doing the bare minimum will only hold out so long.

Today I did a lot of people watching.  I skipped my Crossfit class to study for a math test I had and found myself basking in the sun while I went of logarithmic and exponential equations.  I probably sat outside for a good two hours leaving with a slight sunburn and a wasp bite on my leg (yes, it was a wasp bite not a sting). There are so many people here at USU.  Sometimes I forget that small fact.  Everyday I see people I have never seen before- bewilderment!  SO MANY PEOPLE, I love and hate this fact.  Last weekend I went home- everyone knows me there.  I like that people know me.  They know who I am, where I come from, what I am like, my character, my standards- EVERYTHING- (this could also be a good and bad thing.)  Sometimes I wish I had that here.

I need to go to bed so that I can be alert physically, mentally and spiritually.
Life is full of checks and balances that keep us on our toes.  I like it.

I just caught one of my deep thoughts:

"The Lord will take care of the details"- Elder John Groberge, fireside April 10, 2011

What am I getting myself into?

I am so glad that it is starting to feel like Spring. . . 

Even though it is suppose to SNOW on Saturday.

Joy! - I'm kidding.

Fear is the only thing I think about at this point.

Thoughts of my MARATHON to be creep into my mind constantly. . .

I am so nervous

and I have until September.

My body hurts already- 

I can only imagine what 26.2 miles will feel like.

what am I doing?

I will do this.

But it may not be pretty.

Summer is too can't come soon enough,

but on that same note I can't believe it is almost here.

College- Year one is almost complete.

Geeze.  So much has happened this year,

Who would have thought?

Happy PRE Conference 

and

TGIF!

Oh, and it is April Fool's today!  

(mischievous laughs!) 

What to do, what to do?

bahaha!

Two years ago.

I have been reflecting on the past two years lately, mainly because a dear friend of mine left on his mission two years ago- and well he comes home tomorrow.

I once heard that a mission was like popsicles.

The first one like the first year is hard and goes by slow,

and the second melts away quickly passing by!

I believe this.

It all started when I was about nine years old . . .

NO this isn't one of those "puppy loves" stories.

I had started taking piano and my classes were right after school.  So on every Monday, or Wednesday, or whenever it was I would get off the bus at my teachers stop.  That was the same bus stop Shane got off of, after all they were neighbors.  My piano teachers son, Adam, was Shane's best friend and so the two of them would cut through Shane's yard to get to Adam's house while I walked all the way around the block! This went on for about two months then one day Shane yelled over at me and said, "Hey if you want to you can cut through my yard!"- I looked up, and kept walking not giving them any acknowledgement or anything!

Give me a break I was in like second grade and these

two fourth grade BOYS were talking to me. . . 

What was I suppose to do?

Many years later- I was a freshman in high school, and well to be quite blunt I was boy crazy!  I think most freshman girls are. . . 

All year long my group of girl friends and I all had a crush on a boy named Justin, one of Shane's friends!  O we all thought he was so gorgeous and every time he would walk down the hall we gawked over him!  Sometime he would smile in our direction and we would always get really gitty!  On the down side Justin had a girlfriend. . . 

Freshman year was almost over- it was about March, maybe April when band tour rolled around.

Now I'm sure you have all heard the saying,

"What happens at band tour stays at band tour."

But this is the exception.

Where I went to school band was huge, everyone was apart of it, because well we rocked- and band tour was always the trip of the year.  All of my friends were in band along with Justin and all of his friends, which if you have already forgotten includes Shane!  My friends and I had made a plan, a plan to get Justin to leave his girl friend and fall for one of us.

A silly, childish plan I must admit, but we were serious!

It is really funny to think about now.

Now I had talked to Shane maybe a few times before the trip.  He had always referred to me as "Denton's little sister" because he could never really remember my name- it always frustrated me when people called me "D's little sister" I don't know why. . .  But to be honest I sometimes forgot Shane's name and had to say his last name to remember his first name- if that makes any sense at all, but it worked.

When we first made it to St. George, that is where band tour was that year we all got off the bus and went swimming!  Ah! one of my most favorite things!  Shane and Rae, another one of Shane's friends, had asked if we wanted to come and we agreed knowing that Justin would be there.  It was long after dunking each other that I realized that I didn't really care for Justin as much as I had thought. . . Shane on the other hand! (:

I was with him the rest of the trip. . . except for when he went to the movies- I didn't think I should go because I wasn't sixteen yet and if I went everyone would have been paired off.  Before leaving our hotel the last day he had picked me a rose and gave it to me as we got on the bus!  I never forgot his name after that!

Now for some of the things I remember most about our time together:

1. Shane was my first date- he had reserved the night of my birthday almost six months in advance!  That is a lot of waiting for a fifteen turning sixteen year old!  I think I was more excited to go on my first date than to drive, everyone knew it too!  Waiting for Shane to come to the door that night was like waiting to run upstairs after Santa Clause came on Christmas morning- I was anxiously sick!
2. Shane opened every door for me!  One time he had opened the door and teasing me went to close it again- I didn't notice and walked right into the side of the door- Shane felt so bad the rest of the day!
3. One time I took Shane to my grandma's we built puzzles and Grandma fed us Chicken Pot Pie- my grandma has loved him ever since!  She tells me that she likes the way he looks at me.
4. Most of the time Shane and I spent together was just talking we talked a lot.  He would come over and visit and we would talk until curfew, or until his parents called him home.  Sometimes we would even go dance on my front lawn.
5. Because Shane washed cars for his dad's car lot he would always offer to help wash mine!  We had record timing too when it came to a quick clean!
6. Shane and I would text from the time he got up until the time I fell asleep- He would always stay up later than me. . . which is really late because if anyone knows the family I come from we are night owls!
7. Shane used to drive past the pool when I was at work and bring me sourpatch watermelons!

When Shane left on his mission I was so lonely- I missed him almost everyday, even though I didn't cry when we said goodbye. . in fact I didn't cry until the next night when his dad brought me a letter that Shane had wrote for me.

Now that he is almost home I am about scared sick!  Some of you may not understand. . . I don't even understand myself-  But it is true and when I think about it I go into like anxiety attacks!  

An example of an anxiety attack for me would be:

Breaking out in tears during the fireside on Sunday!

I have lots of anxiety right now!

SO MUCH IS CHANGING!

I don't know what to expect and I think that is why I'm the most nervous- It isn't going to be the same as when he just left. .  . I know that- for goodness sakes we are two different people now.  Both of us have grown so much!  I am very anxious though-

sick?

I am sick and it is all my fault.
I am physically sick and I have brought it on myself. . .  I didn't catch a "bug" from anyone, nor do I have a disease that can be spread, but I'm definitely sick. . . and it isn't pleasant.
How, you may ask or Why?
Well I get what some may call anxiety- when I'm nervous, anxious, excited, stressed, or overwhelmed my body becomes ill.  (To clarify:  I am not a wimp! I hardly ever let people know my emotions let alone see them and so when I am not feeling well I pretend that everything is okay- "I'm bullet proof".)
To answer the "why" part of the question, well, there is a lot that is going to be all new to me soon, my life as I know it is going to flip and I will be living in a whole new world.  I can't believe I am that old-
There is the fact of going to college in the land of far far away, those I love are coming and going, time . . . is well passing and I catch myself wasting it all the time (I may or may not consider blogging as a waste o time. .  .)

Now for the symptoms of my sickness:
I my face broke out- AND I NEVER BREAK OUT! what is the deal with my face?  I clean it and clean it and clean it some more, but there is no major difference- stupid acne!

I have had headaches

Running nose

The chills

Sick to my stomach (diarrhea)


Not to mention I have been extremely tired.

I bring this on myself.  I shouldn't try to plan things out and to demand perfection.  I should expect change and be open to new adventures, a new life, and new friends.  I should quit worrying about the "What's next" and just let everything pan itself out. . . well at least that is what my mother said I should do.