Tuesday, March 30, 2010

my mind goes wild

Life is beautiful
But it's complicated, we barely make it
We don't need to understand
There are miracles, miracles

Stand where you are
We let all these moments pass us by

It's amazing where I'm standing
There's a lot that we can give
It's just ours just for a moment
There's a lot that we can give
- "Life is Beautiful" by Vega4

Today has been one of those days where I have just pondered about my life. I have theses days often and felt impressed to write down how I feel. . . So here it goes-
Firstly I live in a small town and I have decided that there are both pros and cons to this- something that has really been on my mind is the way we, human beings judge one another. I am as guilty of this as everyone else, but why do we do it- we weren't born to judge it is a characteristic that as children we are taught. Is there a way to "unteach" these bad habits? and the answer is yes- through LOVE. like the primary song "Love One Another".
With this I had another thought today- While sitting in the Wal Mart parking lot I watched as customers would file in and out of the store, each one unique, each one with their own story. I do this a lot but I was wondering what it is going to be like in heaven when everyone knows everyone, there is love and friendships all around- can you imagine? There were skaters, young families, elderly couples, business men and women, all kinds of people- tall, short, fat, thin, old, young. How am I going to be connected to these people in the next life? These types of thoughts often run through my head-
On my way home today the sun was setting- it was a late sunset, the sun had already hidden itself behind the mountains but the sky glowed with a florescent pink. It was beautiful! but by the time I had made it home it had disappeared into the dark completely. I had this lecture-ish type conversation with myself (I think I maybe going crazy because I do talk to myself a lot) about the short life of a sunset- It is beautiful, but if you don't take the time to enjoy it, it will be gone before you know it. That is kind of like life here on Earth- everything we base our lives on and around is centered on time. The beauty of our life will pass us by if we don't act now- I don't want to regret anything. . . I don't want to miss the beauty of the sunset.
Denton comes home in twenty three days- On my way home from Richfield with my mom and Shay we were discussing on how fast the time has gone. My mom said that she remembers like it was yesterday when Denton first called home on Mother's Day and wanted to come home- He said that he would serve anywhere, but Jamaica! He hated it! HOWEVER my mom told him that all missionaries get home sick and wouldn't allow him to come home- she said that he was called to serve there and that is where he should be. God knows best. I remember this event, quite traumatic I guess. . . All my brothers said that they felt homesick, but I guess I wasn't ever old enough to remember. I turned what my mom had said towards myself- I do this a lot too. . . I see a pattern. . . Anyway what my mom said made me contemplate what God needs me to do for the next few years. Where does He need me to be, what does He want me to do? I guess I have been playing with this thought for a while with trying to decide what school to go to next fall. I don't want to play "homesick" and not take the chance of doing or going somewhere out of my comfort zone-
Which brings me to my final mind boggler of the last four months. . . the college I will attend. Last Sunday I was listening to a fireside talk that was being broad casted on the radio. The man speaking was speaking on prayer and the answers to prayers. He said something to the affect of, "When you feel peace then you will know the answer to your question." I really thought about that. . . I though I had decided to go to Snow College in Ephraim and then from there I would transfer to Utah State after getting my Associates Degree. BUT something always lead me to question this decision. I had told myself that if I won Sterling Scholar then I would consider Utah State, but before that I wasn't even going to go there- In fact I don't even know why I applied there in the first place. However I put off the Utah State idea over and over again, I figured that it was too far away, too cold, and I wasn't ready for a University. . . Every time I turned to Snow though I had to convince myself that it would be a better start. I had applied for a leadership scholarship there and I had even sent in housing forms and money- I was set on Snow, but I still didn't feel the peace that this man on the radio talked about. So last week I decided to some-what "start over" I prayed about Utah State and it felt good- I felt comfort and peace and sure that I would fit in there! I still kept justifying myself though, I called the lady at Snow about my second leadership scholarship interview and for the record we will just say scheduling wouldn't work out- then the following day my housing advisor person called and said the housing I had applied for had been filled, but she could move me into a more expensive apartment. . . things weren't working out! I don't know why I can't just trust the Lord- I am going up to tour Utah State on Thursday, there I will make my FINAL decision.
Well I think I have written enough.

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