Saturday I hit my limit. My mom and I had had a little argument I guess you could say, and I am not one to argue, so she knew something was up. She came into my room and asked me what was wrong. I responded short and blunt, "I'm fine." Then I got a guilt trip. And I started to cry. I felt like a little kid who had just fallen down, and in all reality I was fine, but when my mom saw the tears just swell at the bottom of my eyes. I know you all know the feeling. (I am not one for crying or for sharing my feelings. In my mind I can fix my own problems after all they are my problems. I know that isn't right and that I should share my feelings, but when I do I feel vulnerable, I feel as if my security blanket is gone, I feel weak. This has caused me a lot of grief by the way). My mom told me to tell her why I was acting the way I was. . . And after a good hour at least I started to feel a little bit better.
This next part is just for remembering, I was reading a book that I got for Christmas and it says to write down hard times because one day you can look back and see how you over came them. So this is for my reference. I have been having a hard time. . . I was pressured into doing Sterling Scholar, and where I think I'm fully capable of doing well at it, I honestly don't know if it is entirely worth all the effort I am putting/going to put into it. I will do it because I said I would, and I am responsible, but I don't want to. For my big Sterling Scholar project I was asked to combine histories of our school. I didn't think it would be that big of deal, but looking into it it is going to be a lot harder than I thought. Our school got rid of a lot of it's history when they moved to the new school. So now I have to locate history, and that isn't an easy job.
Then there is the stress of friends. Now many of you would say, "Everyone has stress with friends" but my stress is different. I have a lot of unique friends that often come to me for advise and for help, and where I love to help them figure it out, it is hard on me. I want to help make them happy, I want to "fix it" for them. But I can't fix everything, and that realization kills me.
School is a stress. High School now is stressful. It is my senior year and where I am so anxious to graduate and move on with my life, I just want the time to stop sometimes so that I can enjoy school more. All aspects of it. I am honestly scared of growing up. It didn't hit me until this year, but next year I will be out almost living on my own. I will be away from home, away from family, away from the place I feel the safest. And this brings up my next stresser, COLLEGES. I have been accepted to UVU, USU, and SUU. I have received scholarships from both UVU (half tuition) and USU (about $650). I think all those schools are just great or else I wouldn't even had applied, but they didn't feel right. Then there is the pressure of others wanting me to go to the school of their choice, and where I would love to please everyone, I am the one that has to decide. I am the one that has to choose what school will be best for me.
Cheer is stressful. Being the captain this year has been hard with loosing girls, not competing and just the hassle of wanting our squad to look good at games as well as be good students in and out of school. I hate how cheerleaders are labeled and I want that to change at our school. I want people not to stereotype and to really get to know each girl before we are judged as a whole. . . that goal may never happen.
And finally boys are stressing me out. I'm a senior girl, what more can you expect?
My mom told me I needed to pray and fast. I knew that I had to do that, I just hadn't. We also set out a schedule of things that I needed to do to bit off a piece at a time and not try to swallow all of it at once. Saturday after lunch I started my fast. I felt the spirit and I felt so humbled. I feel like everything is going to be okay. Don't get me wrong I am still stressing over getting it all done, but at least now I have hope. I feel like I can see the larger perspective of things and that things will be okay.
I was also fasting for an answer to a question of mine. Going back to the college decision making. . . For some reason in my gut and in my mind I felt like I needed to go to SNOW. I prayed for an answer, and I felt good. I think next fall I will be attending Snow College Ephriam.