Love is:

I dream about love. In my head I had an image of what love should be, and to be honest I thought I had it all figured out.

The kids will be outside running around on a September evening much like this one. The kitchen window will be open and the laughter from outside will fill the home with songs of happiness. I will be inside washing dishes and waiting for the dinner to come out of the oven humming a soft tune that reminds me of my sweetheart. And then out of no where his arms will appear from behind me, wrap me up close and he will kiss my neck ever so softly. I will laugh and then he will run outside to rough up the kids. Before I know it I smell burning food- I had been so caught up in watching my family that I had forgotten about food. And even though I will fill bad about having a crispy dinner- I won't care because I will be surrounded by happiness!

I still have this vision.

I want this- I mean, who doesn't?

But love is more than that.
There will be hard times and rough roads.

Love is about sacrifice.
Heaven is love.
So in my mind in order to have Heaven here on earth we have to sacrifice.

Joseph Smith said that "Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven."

My entire life I have been taught to serve the Lord first and everything else will fall into place. That as long as I give my whole heart to Him, He will take care of it and guide me to do the things which I should do. And in some cases giving up yourself unto the Lord is a sacrifice.

I am sure those are reading this and know that I am preparing to serve an LDS mission assume that I am just talking like this because I am in "missionary-mode" but it is more than that. This is an issue about love. A love that I have for my Heavenly Father and a love that I want to pour down on me and my family for generations to come.

I have applied this lesson about sacrifice and love to the idea of love that I had before. . . and I like it so much more.

It is late. I am exhausted. We have been pacing the hospital hallways for hours now and still haven't heard how the procedure went. I stop, slide down the wall and rest my head on my knees. I can't cry anymore, but instead I just sit there. My sweetheart sits down in front of me and grabs my hands. "Babe, I love you. You are strong, but honey this is in the Lord's hands now," he will know exactly what to say because he always has. Then he will kiss my forehead. "Together, with the Lord we can overcome this trial. Don't worry Honey, we are an Eternal Family Remember," and then he we slide up next to me and I will lie my head against his shoulder.

Now, that is love.

"Would you rather"

Would you rather be loved and never love?

OR

Love and never be loved in return?

I hated playing the game "Would you rather" as a child. Why should a person have to choose out of two very unrealistic (usually) circumstances which they would prefer when most of the time neither were desired. . . then again this was the point of the game. . . AND after all it is only a "game" - I just think too deeply for games such as this.

Once I was asked the question stated above - a terrible heart wrenching question. Wanting to be unselfish my first answer would be to love and never be loved in return, but I can't imagine not being loved. Not necessarily a romantic love, but I can't imagine never being loved by my friends, my family, my Heavenly Father. I am so blessed. Never before have I felt entirely alone and forgotten because I know I am loved and I don't think I could go on with out it.

Then I refer to the other option: To be loved and never love. I can almost picture how that would turn out. . . I would be like a celebrity putting on a good show for all those around me, but inside dying slowly. Without love how could anyone be motivated to live - I don't think I would be able to handle the heart ache of not having a heart.

Love is the thing that I live for. Love is what keeps me alive. These words might seem somewhat dramatized, but I believe it entirely. The purpose of life is to love and to be loved. 

Disclaimer: 

I do love one "Would you rather" question and I use it every time I play this frustrating game. 

 Would you rather have a three-inch wide belly button, 

or a belly button that sticks out three inches.

I know, it is a hilarious question - you can thank me later.

Later is now.

Love drunk and hopeless.

Valentine's Day. Love Day. Hopeless Romantic's Day of Affection and care. . . Yes, today is the day where couple all over the United States are being twitterpated, love drunk and passionate about caring for that one significant other that makes their heart pound like subs at a Awolnation concert.

I never really cared for it before now. . . and I am not one of those love-sick girls who has a boyfriend waiting on her hand and foot (even though that would be nice). I have just come to terms with how beautiful it is to love someone. Everyone.

I even went as far as to dress up in pink and red just to celebrate how much I am loving this love day.

No "Singles Awareness Day" for me. There are too many people who I love and share my life with to be considered alone. . .

I just want to jump on my bed and sing Disney Love songs. . . Oh, wait.  I have already done that today!

Merry Valentine's Day!

"My Little Love"

His arms were wrapped tight around her waist, she was giggling.

I can imagine the sound of her laughter as she was tickled by his large leathered hands. Part of her knew that he was teasing but the other part knew he would never let go. He loved her - she knew it, she could feel it.

She grabbed his hands and for a moment he stopped. He looked down into her eyes and she returned the gaze. Everyone who witnessed them together could feel it - he loved her. He loved with everything he had.

This moment was captured inside a black and white photo during a time when women always wore dresses and vehicles were solid metal. This photo was taken when life was simple and the small town farmer was a rich man. A different time than now. But the love is still the same - strong, real and very much alive.

Scratched in blue ink on the bottom of the photo it reads, "My little love"

The words were too rough and to masculine to have been written by the hand of the woman in the photo. Instead it looked as if the pen could barely fit within the large hands of the master who held it. And even though it was written with such intensity, it looked sincere. He did loved her. He still loves her.

The photo is perfect. 

Then she touched it and traced the picture with her aged hands. She couldn't see it anymore, macular had taken her vision. Looking in my direction she asked me what was in this picture. I described it to her and she relaxed into a sense of memory, she smiled and giggled just the way I imagined her doing in the image. I read her what was written. "That is what Fred called me," she said, "I was his little love," then she giggled again.

"I once wrote a story titled 'Fred and Little Red'. I don't know what I did with it and I wish I still had it. I was his 'Little Love' - his 'Little Red,'"she paused, "I miss him."

Grandma has always told me stories of Grandpa Fred. She has always told me about how much she loves him. She taught me everything about being a hopeless romantic. But never did I realize the love that Grandpa had for her.

He cherished her. With everything he loved her. 

There were lots of pictures that we looked at last night, Grandma and I. And each them came with story. But my favorite pictures were the once with Grandma and Grandpa together because he always had her hand and he was always looking at her with eyes that sang in love.

I believe in true love. This true love.

(perma smile!)

Once upon a time I met a guy.

His name is Eric.

He lives in J3

He has crazy curly hair.

And he always makes me happy.

He was my FHE Papa.

We are friends-

sometimes we are "secret-lovers"

 Eric isn't ticklish,

but other than that

we are a lot a like.

It is true.

On April first we got ENGAGED!

and then un-engaged!  

IT WAS APRIL FOOLS- silly!

I made Eric play with me.

Actually- I didn't even ask if he wanted to play- oops!
He was also fooled.

I hacked onto his FB account. . .
well not really- he left it signed in on his computer- his fault!

I posted our Relationship Status on Facebook as "ENGAGED"

and within 2 MINUTES I got a phone call

from my mother-

I guess the EXTENDED family had already found the news.

They were expecting an explanation.

I laughed all the while Mom cussed me

She made me call my Grandma RueLeen before word got to her.
That would have been bad mojo!
I called her!  I love calling her
O and to make matters so much better,

Grandma LOVES April Fools!
She was the Foolin' Queen back-in-the-day!

And as expected she giggled all the while I told her of my foolin' ideas.

I will share some of her tricks from her day eventually! 

She was a master!

Word gets around fast in my small town

especially due to Facebook.

I found this ring picture on Google,

posted it as my Facebook picture and got so many complements.

Dear lady of the ring: Everyone thinks it is "Gorgeous!" 

O and that your man is a "keeper" according to the diamond size! (thumps up!)  

P.S. Thanks for letting me use a picture of your hand and ring-

It greatly added to the whole effect of things!

To all of those who left me kind words of Congratulations 

Thank You

I got a great kick out of each FB comment, text message and phone call!

To all that were so gullible to believe me

You made my entire day!

Merry Fooling Day of April! (:

V for Valentine's.

I am somewhat ridiculous.  

February 14 is a holiday for sharing love.

. . . and I was always caught up in the holiday until this year.

Thinking about it I have had a Valentine for the last five years. . .

BUT 

Not this year.

This year I was alone-

and to be honest, it bugged me.

I wish it didn't but it did.

I was kind of having a "poor-picked-on-Kelsie" Day

That is stupid, I know

I woke up Monday morning not knowing how to take this day of love.

A hopeless romantic hopelessly alone

All day long I got messages from people back home asking me what my plans were

I didn't have any- nor would I have any. . .

Everyone responded with shock!  

which made it worse-

FAILURE!

REALIZATION hit.

Why was I acting this way?

I had had a marvelous day so far.

I slept seven hours the previous night

I had gotten up- gotten ready- and looked cute (at least I thought so)

I MADE THE BUS!

and I was on time to class (high five to me!)

Things started looking better

PERSPECTIVE

And then I came home from class 

There was a box on my porch. . . 

IT WAS FOR ME!

a box of flowers

TULIPS none the less!

(I love tulips they are pure flowers of happiness!)

My dearest friend Taylor Sirrine sent them to me.

They were beautiful!

Good friends like Taylor.

That Valentine's Day is for

To show that we care for someone.

To show our love.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic love

BUT

a pure love.

a love that grows with each day

a love that forever blossoms.

Like tulips, love sometimes is buried in the ground

all winter long

Then it blooms and gives happiness to all around

Bringing joy into homes

and feeling the skies with smiles

Happy love day everyone.  

I know it isn't Valentine's Day anymore, 

but why can't every day be a love day?

To Christmas:

It is Christmas.

A perfect day, love and joy enclose the world- Peace on Earth.

Growing up Christmas was always exciting- the anticipation of running up the stairs to open the gifts that Santa would leave during the night was almost unbearable.  I remember all six of us (yes I would have been like four or five years old) lining up at the bottom of the stairway while Mom would say- "Not yet! Dad is going to the bathroom" or the regular "I am getting the camera ready!" Mean while I would be doing the pee dance knowing that in a few minutes I will look "forget" how badly I need to release my bodily waters.

I still look forward to Christmas and consider it as one of my favorite days of the year, but for different reasons.  Christmas is magical.  People are in a different mood, a splendid giving mood- I love that a person can do something simple and nice and not expect something in return but that love is the motivating factor.  Watching the glow in the faces of my nieces and nephew as they get caught up in the belief and magic of the season.  How simple the faith and how true the promise.  Nothing is a mystery on Christmas, it is just pure belief.  It is magic.

Christmas this year has really hit me hard.  Well I guess it wasn't really Christmas, but everything leading up to this beloved season.  I moved away this year- I have been introduced to a whole new world.  I have got a taste of living on my own, and I have noticed how much I have been blessed.  My life has been relatively easy, I would like to say that I have worked for most everything that I have, but I haven't I have been very blessed- and it took me moving away to notice.

I am so grateful for having the gospel in my life.  I was trying to imagine where I would be without those blessings and I can't.  I would be an entirely different person.  I am thankful for prayer, for knowing that when I kneel down I can receive answers and that the Lord is always listening to me.  Christ suffered the atonement for me, and for everyone so that one day we will return to him- I will forever be indebted to him.  I am thankful for the sacred covenants of the temple and I am anxious to make those someday with my eternal best friend.  My life is marvelous.  I have a marvelous family and this is a marvelous day and age where every choice could determine my who being.  

Merry Christmas Everyone.  

Challenge: Take the feelings and thoughts of this day with me throughout the year. 

theme song:

Inches and Falling

The Format.

(pst. . . feel free to listen to it in my playlist at the bottom of my side bar!)

Lyrics:

I love love
I love being in love
I don't care what it does to me

Take these tattered boxes
that used to hold your clothes
Break them down
Build them back up with your bones
All you did was construct a mess
You're good to me when only flesh
You're a memory with nothing to show

When we would take trips
We swore we'd never take pictures
Pictures only prove you can't convince
Now I wish those photographs
could convince you that what we had
would only turn out a negative

If fingertips are relationships
then I could barely carry your weight
If fingers are mistakes
Don't use this one to point the blame
Just sing

I love love
I love being in love
I don't care what it does to me
These pills are fine to pass the time
'til I find my new drug
Then
We'll take our chances
we'll last a month
we'll never speak again

How I love being in love

And don't pick up the line
You're dressed to have a good time
you don't need him, you need to be seen
so someone else can treat you wrong
so you my love can sing this song

I love love
I love being in love
I don't care what it does to me
These pills are fine to pass the time
'til I find my new drug
Then
They'll take advantage
I'll claim that's what I want

To be the new statistic

How I love
How I love
How I love being in love

My dear sweet Katie Cow introduced me to this song.

Oh how I love it

Thankyoukindly! (I meant to type it as one word.)
Merry Christmas Eve!
What a Wonderful Life

Blimey it is almost Christmas- I have so much to do!
(said in a British accent)

Yesterday I walked home barefoot in the rain.  It was beautiful!  I love the rain, it reminds me of all the good things on this earth-
Conference weekend was marvelous.
I could go into detail about how my eyes have been opened, about the spiritual experiences I had, all that I discovered about myself but I won't.  I can't.  Not here anyway-

Conference was amazing.  I don't think I could say it enough.
I went to the conference center on Saturday and was able to go to both sessions.  I now want to go every conference, at least one session.  I love it.
After conference I went home!  My home home, where my family is!  I didn't realized how much I missed them until I went home!  Sunday we celebrated my birthday-  I have so much love in my life.  I am so blessed.

I feel gratitude and love.
I feel motivated to improve my life and to follow everything the Lord said to us through the voices of his servants.  I feel empowered.  I feel invigorated.  I feel humble.  I feel hope because there is a future to hope for.  Life is good.  Life is beautiful.  Celebrate it.

I have made goals to improve my life since conference.

1. exercise every morning I have school-
2. study my scriptures daily
3. write in my journal daily
4. follow the Prophet in all things
5. Pray morning, evening, every meal, and when ever else I feel the need
6. give love
7. have patience
8. go to the temple- I live too close to pass up the opportunity
9. go to bed early
10. get on top of my studies

P.S. purple frozen grapes are simply the best ever!

Goodbyes.

August this year has been a month of lasts and goodbyes- I honestly haven't enjoyed it one bit.
Most of my friends have already moved away, and I'm left here to work, and to think. . . and thinking causes me anxiety- anxiety causes me to get sick and to breakout.  I'm in a no win situation.
Last night I said goodbye to Deven-
A quick background about Deven:
We met at the Regional Stake Conference Dance June 2009- (he had a girlfriend haha!)

I saw him at the pool with his girlfriend, but didn't realize it was him until after he left.

I didn't talk to him again until November that same year when he added me on Facebook.
Our first date was December 16- he sang with the choir during the Forgotten Carols, I was there with my family watching, then after he picked me up.

I got home around one thirty in the morning- way past curfew, and it was a school night. . .

I think I was on time for curfew maybe once since I went with him - oops! (:

From then on we became the dearest friends.  

Funny small fact:  I thought he had a crush on my friend Chevia!  haha- 

This was before I really knew him so I didn't really care.

I recently just told him and he laughed his guts out!  He thought I was kidding!

Deven and I could be silly- crazy and wild with all the works!  

We could tease each other to no end and get caught up in playing pretend.

BUT we could also be serious together.

Dev and I could have spiritual conversations and tell each other the ramblings of our thoughts.

We prayed together countless times.

. . . . And last night we sad goodbye.

As of right now Deven is driving to the land of far away to go to school.

The land of far away is UVU.

USU is the land of far far away.

UVU is the halfway point between my home and my USU.

I am a bawl-baby, but most people don't know that.

I don't cry in front of people, I won't let myself- and I ESPECIALLY don't cry over boys!

And then last night happened. . . 

I cried in Deven's arms, he cried too, but don't hold that against him.

He made me the most beautiful picture frame with all the pictures he has taken of us.

Deven is an amazing photographer!

The picture frame is beautiful!  It is a wooden heart that he put so much planning and hard work into!!! Did I mention it is beautiful and that I love it?

We prayed with each other last night.

He gave me a hug, a kiss, and then he was gone.

I cried.

I felt like a little girl again crying to my mommy.

I have only cried over two boys- I hate saying goodbye.

I told myself not to fall for Deven because I knew sooner or later I would have to say goodbye.

I believe everyone we meet we meet for a reason.

I believe that the Lord puts people in our lives to help sculpt us into the tools he needs.

I will never forget Deven, or all the things he made me love.

I dried my tears and got ready for bed.

I put my retainer in and I put a face mask on my face to help with the break out.

Looked through the photo album and at the frame one more time.

Then I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning being kissed on the cheek!

I figured I was dreaming- I have vivid dreams.

I wasn't!  

It was Deven!

We had made a bet a long time ago that he would never be 
able to wake me up because I was always up before him.

He told me good morning and that he just had to see me one more time before he left! 

this is the "Awwwe" moment!

He was only here for maybe one minute and then he was gone-

I loved it!

I didn't even care that I had a face mask on and my retainer in-

I was just glad to see him again.