S. Mason

This song describes how I am feeling as of late.

I would say that I am someone who is pretty reserved. . . well, my "at-home" Kelsie is really quite reserved. College not so much.

However I don't think I am one to just throw myself out there and to take huge dramatic chances. Moving to Logan was a huge step in my life, and here I am getting ready to make an even bigger one. But you see I have had lots of time to think about life and about our time here and know what I have come up with? Life is something to be experienced (hence my post just previous of this one).

I have had such an amazing life thus far. Really. I love and am loved by my family more than I can describe. I have been given opportunities that many only long for. And I witness miracles every day. No, my life isn't perfect. Somedays I cry and somedays I question my worth. Trials are real and they are really hard, but those not so perfect days make the good ones so much sweeter.

As a sophomore in high school the thought of becoming a sister missionary crossed my mind. I had watched all of my brothers prepare and leave for their missions and the anticipation, excitement, and sacrifice was something that humbled me. The desire of missionary work settled in my heart. Over the years as my testimony in Christ and of this gospel has grown so has my desire to serve. 

But, I had doubts I would go. Why? well because I kind of thought I would be one of those girls to graduate from high school, go off to college, find her prince charming and follow the trend of so many others. After all that trend runs true and strong in my family. I was ready to accept that lifestyle. But that desire to serve the Lord never left me. It is like I knew in my heart that I would be given the opportunity to serve. And I even though I didn't have to serve a mission I knew I would always be left questioning. 

So I started the missionary paper work.

I filled out all the information and set up interviews as fast as I possibly could.

After a few doctors appointments and a few phone calls they were on their way.

Soon enough I will be known as Sister Mason.

I haven't been telling very many people- except for close friends, family and those who ask about what I will be doing in the next couple of months. But ya know, I might as well share the news with the lovely little blogger community. You are my friends and you all probably know more about me than I do of you, but that is fine. 

Now for the big question(s) that are commonly asked:

Where do I want to go?

I honestly have no preference. I mean it would be really cool to learn a language and be thrown into a new culture, but at the same time if I was in states, speaking english I would cherish just as much. I have no clue where I want to go, but it is going to be wonderful where ever it is.

When will I leave?

Well, I don't turn 21 years old until October, so my guess is somewhere around then. However, I would really like to leave before, and you know sometimes that happens- missionaries can turn eligible in the MTC. But I won't know the official date until after I get called.

When will the call be here?

Oh, the question I ask myself every day. It will either come next week, or the next, or possibly even after that. I will keep you all posted. 

Will I be going back to school for Fall Semester?

I won't know that until I know when I will be leaving. I did register for classes and I put money down on a apartment just incase I do go.

What about the blog?

Well, I am currently working on something great. So here is another "stay tuned" answer.

What about my photography business?

Yes, this question has kind of sickened me. I will miss taking pictures so much. I love what I do and the magic I have in capturing someone's life on film. I was recently given the opportunity to take pictures for a company the rest of the year- they would use my pictures on their website, magazines, billboards and anywhere else they needed advertising. However, I could only agree to a limited time because I will be leaving before too long. To be honest that was a bit hard, however I understand that I am going to be on the Lord's errand. My life is in His hands and I know that if I have faith and always put Him first He will see that everything works out for the best.

*If you would like to have me answer any other questions feel free to ask.

**I also like to hear where people think I will go so feel free to guess away

Here is to you Logan:

I have a lot on mind and I feel like it deserves to be written down.

However I have had this post open for nearly six hours now, and every time I look at my computer the words inside my head taunt me.

I have never thought of finals week as the "week of lasts" -- it is an awful way to think of it, but that is the only way I can interpret this week.

Such a melancholy thought.
I never thought I could grow so much or love so many people.
I never thought I would think the way I do now, or have the experiences that I have had.
I never imagined how great life would actually be.
I love it.

But now it is time to leave. It is time for a change and oh, it is bittersweet.

So here is to you:

Aggie Blue Bus, for making trips to school a lot more enjoyable during the elements. For teaching me patience and the importance of being on time. Here is to you for inspiring me with lots of wonderful stories and teaching me that everyone you meet on the bus is not "safe" but sometimes there are exceptions.

Logan Canyon, you made running magical, you provided me with a sanctuary when I needed to find escape. You cause the wind to blow through campus all the time and even though I don't care for wind I loved how it made the trees sway and the leaves dance.

Homework, I won't miss you. I might miss having something to do. . . never mind I can always find something to do. I really won't miss you at all.

Roof out my window, I have enjoyed Sunday afternoons sitting on top of you and basking in the sunshine. You have also provided me with opportunities to meet knew people and I can see all over The Farm when I perch on top of you.

Farm Residents, you have all made living in Logan yet another marvelous year. I may have been looking out my window during a few doorstep scenes or seen you roll down the hill with your "lover" in the rain. I may have gone to one of your parties, laughed at one of your jokes, or played games like Screw-Your-Neighbor on Sunday afternoons after church. Thank you all.

Statesman, I had fun taking pictures for your pages. It was kind of random how you and I came to be, but I think it was for the best. You pushed me to learn new techniques and to meet a lot of new people. I like that part the best.

Taco-Tuesday Crew, I have loved every Tuesday since September for the mere fact of Cafe Rio Tacos. Thank you for the girl talk, for the frustrations, the giggling, the boy craziness, and for trying to figure out life over marvelous Mexican cuisine. I don't know what I am going to do without my Taco-Tuesday Girl dates.

YSA 11th Ward, we were strong, united and we had possibly the best singles ward in Logan. My testimony of service, charity, love and hard work grew so much because of the examples that you set. You surrounded me with uplifting examples and I was able to uphold responsibilities that built life-long friendships and brought me closer to my Heavenly Father.

Roommates -- my sisters, my friends, you were my home away from home. You taught me charity and the importance to serve. You taught me what sisterhood means and how each person is a daughter of God. You have been a support and lifted me up when I have been weak. You have taught me humility and love through your examples and the sweet spirit that each of you have. Thank you.

Cheers!

Last Weekend of FREEDOM: Goodbye Summer of '11

School starts Monday.
I haven't decided whether to be dreading this fact or to be excited for a year of adventures, experiences and growth. . . It doesn't really matter which I decided because time will pass, school will start and the summer of '11 will be over.  Summer of '11 was one of a kind though, I must say.

I have decided that moving is hard for me.  The change takes a toll on me and it takes a while for me to recover.  The night I moved home at the beginning of the summer I sat on my bedroom floor and cried for nearly two hours.  I cried because the life I had for the last eight months was over.  All the people I grew to love lived nearly four hours away if you drove the speed limit and I felt lost.  My poor mother probably thought that I was sad to move home, but that wasn't it at all.  I just found more people to love, that's all.

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.” Moving back, I feel the same way towards my family, my friends, my home.  I wish I could just bounce from one place to the other and not suffer the effects of change.  I imagine that this feeling will be one I recognize quite often when I am serving my mission.  Each transfer I will have to leave those I have grown to love.  I will be thrown into new circumstances and new opportunities to serve will be coming at me in all directions.  Heart ache will be familiar, but so will the bursting joy that comes from the love of the Lord. It is good to be back, even if it gets hard sometimes.

What Once was is No More.

Time: 9:47 AM
Location: Cedar City

Today I got four teeth removed.  Wisdom Teeth.  Luckily I was put completely under so that the doctor could go in and do what he gets paid to do.

I only recall a few things from the morning.

I remember before surgery (I think that is the official term? Maybe not.) filling out paper work.
I remember going in and watching the IV get put in my hand.
I remember the oxygen finger clip wouldn't work, and I wanted to make a witty comment.
I remember the doctor coming in and asking me about my age, about college, and random questions of the sort.
I remember pain, and people in my mouth- I started to come out of sleep a bit early.  My dose was upped and I was under yet again.
Next thing I know I was in a chair, in a different room, and I had walked there, at least that is what I was told.

The next events are a blur.  Mom videoed me in my loopy state and took the picture in the middle.  I guess I took all the rest, even if I don't recall doing so.  (I may or may not post those videos. . . I haven't yet decided)

I have iced and slept most of the day.
The pain wasn't bad until we were almost home, then it was dreadful.
I used Otter Pops to ice my cheeks.
I had a spit rag because swallowing bloody-spit wasn't happening.
Lovely visitors came and found joy in my swollen cheeks.
I took one honkin' pain killer that knocked me out for a while.

. . . Now the only thing I want to do is brush my pearly whites.

Perspective.

I know.  I have blogged a lot lately. . .

goodness I have just had a lot to say and you obviously like reading!

Please, try to enjoy it as much as I do.

. . . and yes Shay, this is your shirt.  I have had it at college for nearly two months now- Thanks for letting me borrow it without asking!  Love you!

Today is my last day in Logan- until next school year of course.
I move home tomorrow and even though I am so excited for the change I know it is going to be bittersweet.  There has been a lot that has happened this year.  I have grown so much and yet, it is hard to believe that it is over.  Where did the days go?

Last semester at this time I was having a rough time.  I got more homesick than I had ever been and to encourage me I came up with the moto that "I am in Control"- check it out here.  And for a long time it really helped me to feel happy- after all I had total control on how I felt, whether I wanted to be happy or not was entirely my choice. . . . Or so I thought.  My perspective has change however, I am not entirely in control.  Now of course I an choose how I react to circumstance, but there is more to it than that.

I was reading some passages from my journal last night- I was on a journal kick and to be quite honest I didn't want to study for a final that I have today (I am really not all that worried for it though, I know the material- and no matter the outcome my grade will stay the same).  It was fun to read about some of the problems that I was going through and then as I would read on I would see how the Lord played a huge roll in the outcome.  Over and over again blessings were pouring from my treasured pages.  While reading I felt foolish in a sense to have gotten so down on myself.  I felt ridiculous for ever questioning "why"- when every little trial shaped me.

PERSPECTIVE.  Goodness gracious.  This word has so much meaning to me and it has taught me so many lessons.  Have you ever wondered what life looks through another person's eyes.  I do this a lot.  While carrying on a casual conversation I will wonder what it is like talking to me through another's eyes.  Different experiences, behaviors, values, beliefs change the way we look at things- Changes our perspective.  Oh what I would give sometimes to have the perspective of another being- of course I would never trade my own, but think how intense that would be.

HOLD THE PHONE.  Are you putting two and two together?  There is someone who has ultimate perspective.  The Lord.  There is nothing that He doesn't know and doesn't understand.  By the Atonement Jesus Christ suffered for not only our sins, but all our afflictions. (deep breath)  It is a simple, yet MARVELOUS truth.  He feels our highest highs and lowest lows, loving us through it all.  He is ALWAYS ready to help us up and guide us through our troubles IF we turn to Him.  The ultimate perspective.  He knows what we must go through to become the Kings and Queens of His kingdom.  Can you feel the truth?  Pray.

Love. Gratitude. and Joy.

Dedicated to my sunburn.

ya know, a lot of the time I write for those who read my blog, but today I could care less if anyone read this post.

I feel like I should be blogging about something deep and profound.  Probably because the only things I have been thinking lately have been deep and profound, but when I try to focus on just one thought I can't.  My mind has been going thousands of miles an hour that I can't hang on to any of it!
I am getting antsy for the semester to be over.  I want summer to come, school to be out, and well I want to move home.  Right before Christmas break last semester I got this same anxious feeling- only it has kicked in a lot sooner this time.
This week, and the next three to come, I plan on stowing away at the library.  It is time for this girl to buckle down and get some work done.  In high school I worked hard- One could classify me as a "teachers-pet" or even a "goody two-shoes" and to be honest I was okay with that.  College has been a whole different story.  I feel like all I do is mess around- probably because that is all I do. . . I am getting by with dissent grades, but doing the bare minimum will only hold out so long.

Today I did a lot of people watching.  I skipped my Crossfit class to study for a math test I had and found myself basking in the sun while I went of logarithmic and exponential equations.  I probably sat outside for a good two hours leaving with a slight sunburn and a wasp bite on my leg (yes, it was a wasp bite not a sting). There are so many people here at USU.  Sometimes I forget that small fact.  Everyday I see people I have never seen before- bewilderment!  SO MANY PEOPLE, I love and hate this fact.  Last weekend I went home- everyone knows me there.  I like that people know me.  They know who I am, where I come from, what I am like, my character, my standards- EVERYTHING- (this could also be a good and bad thing.)  Sometimes I wish I had that here.

I need to go to bed so that I can be alert physically, mentally and spiritually.
Life is full of checks and balances that keep us on our toes.  I like it.

I just caught one of my deep thoughts:

"The Lord will take care of the details"- Elder John Groberge, fireside April 10, 2011

Hello CHANGE, so we meet again.

It is amazing how fast things can change.
One day the trees are lush and green, full of life- then the next rich colors of red and orange appear, until a morning soon to come I will look out my window and see bare branches being frostbitten by the brisk extreme weather.
A baby so reliable becomes independent and free from one day to the next.
Friendships one day may become nothing but mere acknowledgement that one exists the next- nothing personal, nothing real.
Change is the only constant.

If I had a book written on my life- and each year I lived I gave a theme, kind of like a chapter, then this year I would title "Change- it gets me every time".  I figured that things would settle down once I moved up to school.  I figured that I would just get into a flow of things and settle down into a rhythm.  Not expecting to change much for a LONG while.  But I should of known that nothing goes according to the plans that I make up for myself.

I wish I knew what the future held.
I wish I knew the consequences of my choices today-
I wish I could please everyone around me, including myself.
I wish I knew what I wanted in life.

It is at times like these where I just want to scream out at the world and hide from the complexities of life.

I suck at commitment

Lo siento

september.

September you came and left so quickly!
I have been in school for a month- wild!  The weeks are flying like geese going south for the winter. . . And where I love the excitement and the adventure of each new day- I get a lump in my throat with how fast my life is moving.  I'm not ready for each day to pass like it is.
I look at days in perspectives if that makes much sense at all. . . let me explain:  So, a regular day for me is I wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, socialize, more homework, go to bed.  Typical day, nothing wild or out of the ordinary. On this exact same day however this day could be a major event, a day of new life, new relationship, or even death and pain- all in all though we are in this together living and anticipating what will happen next.
Hello October may your soon comings be splendid!

then and now.

A year ago from today I was comfortably overwhelmed.
I year ago from today I was planning homecoming.  I was shopping for a dress.  I had volleyball practice every night from three thirty to six.  I was organizing cheer activities.  I was delegating my senior class.  I year ago from today I was home and busy as I will get out.  I remember staying at the school for fourteen plus hours at a time some days-  I remember feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, but I just kept chugging along. . And it is true sometimes I would break down and cry- (that is what I do when I just can't take anymore pressure and stress)  My mom would tell me to take things a day at a time and things would be so much better.  I don't entirely miss a year from today.  I learned to love being busy- after all that is all I ever knew.  But to be quite honest I don't entirely miss it.

Today I am taking thirteen credits in college, and I am entirely okay with that- I could have taken more, but for now this feels good.  I have become a social butterfly, when I'm not at school or doing homework I am with my friends.  I never thought I could have seen my friends as family, but when I'm this far away from home I have decided that my friends are my family here.
Today I feel tired.  I am living up the college life I guess you could say.  I went to bed at two last night because I wanted to finish a paper that is due Wednesday.  I figure if I finished it last night I could spend today typing another paper that is due Wednesday. . . which leads me to the topic of homework. . . yes these days my free time is spent studying- blah!
Today my body aches.  We did sprints to finish our lap swimming work out.  I love swimming it makes me feel empowered.
Today I want to sleep, but I can't.  Today I feel like I could just pass out on my bedroom floor and sleep there until family home evening.  But I can't!!!  I need to type another paper and I should read my economics homework. . . .
Today I must decide what my priorities are.

So much can happen in a year.  A year ago from today I had no idea what direction my life was headed in.  And now that I'm here I'm very much excited to see what my future has in store for me.  I wonder what will happen in the next year.

Two years ago.

I have been reflecting on the past two years lately, mainly because a dear friend of mine left on his mission two years ago- and well he comes home tomorrow.

I once heard that a mission was like popsicles.

The first one like the first year is hard and goes by slow,

and the second melts away quickly passing by!

I believe this.

It all started when I was about nine years old . . .

NO this isn't one of those "puppy loves" stories.

I had started taking piano and my classes were right after school.  So on every Monday, or Wednesday, or whenever it was I would get off the bus at my teachers stop.  That was the same bus stop Shane got off of, after all they were neighbors.  My piano teachers son, Adam, was Shane's best friend and so the two of them would cut through Shane's yard to get to Adam's house while I walked all the way around the block! This went on for about two months then one day Shane yelled over at me and said, "Hey if you want to you can cut through my yard!"- I looked up, and kept walking not giving them any acknowledgement or anything!

Give me a break I was in like second grade and these

two fourth grade BOYS were talking to me. . . 

What was I suppose to do?

Many years later- I was a freshman in high school, and well to be quite blunt I was boy crazy!  I think most freshman girls are. . . 

All year long my group of girl friends and I all had a crush on a boy named Justin, one of Shane's friends!  O we all thought he was so gorgeous and every time he would walk down the hall we gawked over him!  Sometime he would smile in our direction and we would always get really gitty!  On the down side Justin had a girlfriend. . . 

Freshman year was almost over- it was about March, maybe April when band tour rolled around.

Now I'm sure you have all heard the saying,

"What happens at band tour stays at band tour."

But this is the exception.

Where I went to school band was huge, everyone was apart of it, because well we rocked- and band tour was always the trip of the year.  All of my friends were in band along with Justin and all of his friends, which if you have already forgotten includes Shane!  My friends and I had made a plan, a plan to get Justin to leave his girl friend and fall for one of us.

A silly, childish plan I must admit, but we were serious!

It is really funny to think about now.

Now I had talked to Shane maybe a few times before the trip.  He had always referred to me as "Denton's little sister" because he could never really remember my name- it always frustrated me when people called me "D's little sister" I don't know why. . .  But to be honest I sometimes forgot Shane's name and had to say his last name to remember his first name- if that makes any sense at all, but it worked.

When we first made it to St. George, that is where band tour was that year we all got off the bus and went swimming!  Ah! one of my most favorite things!  Shane and Rae, another one of Shane's friends, had asked if we wanted to come and we agreed knowing that Justin would be there.  It was long after dunking each other that I realized that I didn't really care for Justin as much as I had thought. . . Shane on the other hand! (:

I was with him the rest of the trip. . . except for when he went to the movies- I didn't think I should go because I wasn't sixteen yet and if I went everyone would have been paired off.  Before leaving our hotel the last day he had picked me a rose and gave it to me as we got on the bus!  I never forgot his name after that!

Now for some of the things I remember most about our time together:

1. Shane was my first date- he had reserved the night of my birthday almost six months in advance!  That is a lot of waiting for a fifteen turning sixteen year old!  I think I was more excited to go on my first date than to drive, everyone knew it too!  Waiting for Shane to come to the door that night was like waiting to run upstairs after Santa Clause came on Christmas morning- I was anxiously sick!
2. Shane opened every door for me!  One time he had opened the door and teasing me went to close it again- I didn't notice and walked right into the side of the door- Shane felt so bad the rest of the day!
3. One time I took Shane to my grandma's we built puzzles and Grandma fed us Chicken Pot Pie- my grandma has loved him ever since!  She tells me that she likes the way he looks at me.
4. Most of the time Shane and I spent together was just talking we talked a lot.  He would come over and visit and we would talk until curfew, or until his parents called him home.  Sometimes we would even go dance on my front lawn.
5. Because Shane washed cars for his dad's car lot he would always offer to help wash mine!  We had record timing too when it came to a quick clean!
6. Shane and I would text from the time he got up until the time I fell asleep- He would always stay up later than me. . . which is really late because if anyone knows the family I come from we are night owls!
7. Shane used to drive past the pool when I was at work and bring me sourpatch watermelons!

When Shane left on his mission I was so lonely- I missed him almost everyday, even though I didn't cry when we said goodbye. . in fact I didn't cry until the next night when his dad brought me a letter that Shane had wrote for me.

Now that he is almost home I am about scared sick!  Some of you may not understand. . . I don't even understand myself-  But it is true and when I think about it I go into like anxiety attacks!  

An example of an anxiety attack for me would be:

Breaking out in tears during the fireside on Sunday!

I have lots of anxiety right now!

SO MUCH IS CHANGING!

I don't know what to expect and I think that is why I'm the most nervous- It isn't going to be the same as when he just left. .  . I know that- for goodness sakes we are two different people now.  Both of us have grown so much!  I am very anxious though-

Mmhmm!

Realization:  Today was my last Sunday in my homeward for a long while. . . not sure how to take it.

My mom just asked me what treat I wanted her to make because I will be leaving soon . . . not sure how to take that either.

I wonder where I will take Sunday naps at my apartment.

sick?

I am sick and it is all my fault.
I am physically sick and I have brought it on myself. . .  I didn't catch a "bug" from anyone, nor do I have a disease that can be spread, but I'm definitely sick. . . and it isn't pleasant.
How, you may ask or Why?
Well I get what some may call anxiety- when I'm nervous, anxious, excited, stressed, or overwhelmed my body becomes ill.  (To clarify:  I am not a wimp! I hardly ever let people know my emotions let alone see them and so when I am not feeling well I pretend that everything is okay- "I'm bullet proof".)
To answer the "why" part of the question, well, there is a lot that is going to be all new to me soon, my life as I know it is going to flip and I will be living in a whole new world.  I can't believe I am that old-
There is the fact of going to college in the land of far far away, those I love are coming and going, time . . . is well passing and I catch myself wasting it all the time (I may or may not consider blogging as a waste o time. .  .)

Now for the symptoms of my sickness:
I my face broke out- AND I NEVER BREAK OUT! what is the deal with my face?  I clean it and clean it and clean it some more, but there is no major difference- stupid acne!

I have had headaches

Running nose

The chills

Sick to my stomach (diarrhea)


Not to mention I have been extremely tired.

I bring this on myself.  I shouldn't try to plan things out and to demand perfection.  I should expect change and be open to new adventures, a new life, and new friends.  I should quit worrying about the "What's next" and just let everything pan itself out. . . well at least that is what my mother said I should do.